Elementary School
What?
The little child is confused. This question is outside of her paradigm.
How do you feel about yourself? Do you like who you are? Are you happy?
Yes.
Why are you happy?
I am pretty and smart. I have lots of friends and I have a nice teacher.
The six year old girl stands on one leg and watches her friends out of the corner of her eye. She cannot wait to run back to her playmates. Safe, fun, happy. Creative, positive energy abounds in her world.
Middle School
I don't know.
Well, when you think about yourself what comes to mind?
I wish I were...prettier. I get good grades, but I don't think I'm that popular.
She looks around the room as if she were under great scrutiny.
She is very uncomfortable.
Oh yeah, I don't like my name. She smiles, but there is pain in her eyes.
She is glad the interview is over.
High School
That's a weird question.
It is?
Yeah, I mean, people don't like themselves. Well, unless their like stuck up.
Hmmm. I am not asking how you feel about others or how they feel about you. How do you feel about yourself?
Honestly? I don't feel like people think I'm anything special. I feel ugly. Most of the time anyway. I feel boring. I have a few friends, but I'm not popular.
What happened?
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I wrote the above as a response to a piece I read with my students entitled, "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Do I See Myself as Others Do?" If you're wondering about the punctuation, I decided to write it as a poem. The "Mirror, Mirror" article I read each year with my pupils is a persuasive piece designed to get adolescents to think about how advertisements and the media in general twist individuals' perception of themselves. Well, that's it's most important function, at least in my view. It's official purpose--why it's actually included in the curriculum-- is as means to teach students persuasive thinking and to reinforce comprehension of fact vs. opinion and how to use anecdotal, factual, and subjective sources to bolster an argument.
Anyhow, one thing the writer did was look at studies in which children at the elementary and high school levels were interviewed about their feelings towards themselves; it was found that elementary school children felt very good about themselves while less than 20% of high school students had positive feelings about themselves.
I for one am disgusted to my very core with the way modern society, specifically in the West where consumerism runs rampant, damages childrens' perception of themselves and reality. Marketing is a form of psychological black magic which bombards us with the idea that if we buy X or Y we will be happier, more attractive, etc. which implies that we are ugly, unattractive and not full of worth since we don't have X or Y. Even the most seemingly innocuous products such as food and cleaning agents use subtly trickery to influence people to spend money. Then you can look at the most egregious examples such as alcohol, phony weight loss products (most weight loss products fall into that category in my opinion) and automobile ads. I could go on here, but I'll leave it at that.
As I have grown older, I realize how many adults deal with the great challenge of low self-esteem. Self-esteem is problematic, but there is such thing as esteeming oneself in a non-egotistical, non-prideful way. It is difficult to walk that path because it requires one to walk the razor's edge between pride and self-pity, a tightrope balance that requires continual calibration and spiritual/psychological orientation. A true understanding of one's deepest sense of identity and the pitfalls of the ego is required. I think this is attained through a combination of careful study of the nature of reality, interpersonal relationships, our consumer culture (and society at large) and honest self-reflection.
Although I am not one who has found the perfect balance in this area, I can honestly say that I am acutely aware of my many flaws and endeavor earnestly to make changes and repent of my shortcomings but, simultaneously, am happy with who and what I am. Fortunately for me, I grew up in a household in which I had parents who told me they loved me and that I was smart and capable. It took a great deal of time for me to realize that individuals who did not enjoy this great blessing have a much more difficult time breaking out of the psychological structures that were built so long ago and which can remain hidden, despite the fact that one might inhabit them continually.
I hope I am the kind of person who can help others who suffer from a distorted perception of themselves. No one is "better" than anyone else. Everyone has unique talents and challenges. Each one of us treads a different path. We should break each other down less and strive to see how we fit together as puzzle pieces to form beautiful images which help us make sense of ourselves and of the cosmos.
Finally, I'd like to leave this thought: when we think about child abuse we usually think of the most depraved and tragic forms of abuse such as physically violent or sexual abuse. In reality, the most common forms of abuse that occur and which we likely contribute to, in some sort of conscious or unconscious way, are the kinds of abuse that involve not helping children live up to their full potential. I pray that each of us can, in our spheres of influence as parents, family members, friends, home or visiting teachers, etc. help lift someone else up. As a disciple of Jesus Christ I am always touched by His request to suffer the little children to come to Him.
When I think about how little children view themselves and others, I am reminded of what He taught us about them.
"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto Me: for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."
(Matthew 19:14)
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Related reading:
Overview of study on changing self-esteem
Self-esteem
Self (philosophical notions)
6 comments:
Do you think that the little children felt good about themsleves cause they still spent so much time with their family, and as they get older they spend less time together with their family?
Yes, I do. When one is in a healthy family, he or she is going to receive positive reinforcement about his or her self. Furthermore, he or she is going to be able to communicate and take risks without the fear of being rejected or otherwise ridiculed. Outside of the home, however, one inevitably faces those who have learned to put others down in order to feel good about themselves which, as we all know, doesn't actually work but is a counterfeit way of making oneself feel good.
Dan when are you going to write your book? I think you would do an excellent job. This blog was very well thought out and expressed my own opinions about the world we live in- although way more eloquently that I could have done. I agree with the idea that family does make you more positive about your self image. As a child I thought I was da-bomb and could accomplish anything because my parents told me so. It wasn't until I got into the end of grade school that other kids told me opposite. Having people believe in you is essential to developing feelings of self-worth, and hopefully they boost you up so that when you are faced with people who don't you know better than to listen to their discouragement. Thanks for the post, it was a good thing for me to read.
Dan,
I don't know how you find the time to blog like this. It's good stuff, don't get me wrong, I just am impressed by how much of your thoughts you put down for others to see. It makes me feel like a private person in comparison.
Blog rhymes with frog, and frogs live on pads... the TODDPAD.
Dude, i got my own laptop and Im a new follower of your blog.
It is always so well written. I think you and Sarah should adopt children :) Seriously, you're the type of people that would love those children like your own. There needs to be more people like the both of you in the world! I'm proud to be your friend!
Thank you for that. I think it's very sad but true. I have a middle schooler. My job is to help him keep a clear view of his divine potential and worth.
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